It’s said that suffering is apart of life and there is no real life without suffering but why? Why do we all have this thought in our minds that the one person we fall in love with is supposed to be the one who takes the suffering away? Truth of the matter is the one you fall in love with, or at least in my case, is the one to cause you the most pain. Everyone claims and promises they are different but in the end they all act the same way. They hold what hurts the most against you and they don’t care. You try and you try and you try to do whatever it is they want of you and you try to be the person they want you to be but no matter what at the end of the day it goes unnoticed. You’re leaving because you’re selfish and weak, you’re never leaving because you’re so hurt you can’t even stand to look at yourself in the mirror, you’re not leaving because you finally have the courage to stick up for yourself and not be treated like crap anymore, no no no, none of that is the reason you’re leaving. You’re leaving because you are a selfish coward who will end up alone you’re entire life.
All I want is the possibility to believe that there is someone different out there. That there is someone I can tell my deepest secrets and fears to and no matter what in the end they will never hold it against me. I want someone who understands why I feel the way I do and I want someone to be fair to me. I am so sick of going to the ends of the earth for people and the second I ask or hope for the same treatment I get let down and disappointed or called selfish. I am a good friend, I do anything and everything for my friends but the treatment never gets returned. I finally stick up for myself and I get called selfish and told I am dead. At this point I just want to give up looking for that person and really just be alone. Rely on no one but myself. I thought I was close to finding this person and I love him but now he’s just like everyone else and I’m left here alone feeling like I am never good enough. I have yet to meet one person who doesn’t make me feel that way. Maybe that’s because I really am not good enough. Maybe it’s just time for me to come to terms with that. I put all of my effort into my relationships and just for once I want someone to put all of their effort into a relationship with me. For once I want to know what it feels like to be the one being cared so much for. For once I want someone to take control and tell me everything will be alright and they will handle it. For once I want someone to put all their effort in and let me sit back and watch like most people do to me. Just for once I want to meet a person like me. But I guess I’m just destined to be alone and be deemed as a selfish person who will never be good enough. I guess that’s just who I am to the outer world. But inside I am someone completely different. When will someone notice that person? Will anyone ever notice her? I guess I’ll have to wait and see.. but until then I will not be the same.